Bruce Jenner Wasn’t Invited To Kim & Kanye’s Engagement, Will Probably Kill Himself

According to TMZ, Bruce Jenner was not invited to Kim and Kanye’s engagement which probably was the greatest thing that ever happened to him, short of no longer having sex with an arid vagina that speaks Satanic prophecy, because it turns out Bruce fucking hates Kim, Kourtney and Khloe and doesn’t want his real daughters to turn into “stupid, needy attention whores” like them. The National Enquirer reports:

The ENQUIRER has exclusively learned that the feuding couple – who have been living apart for months – had a tremendous blowup in early October during which Bruce blasted Kris’ three oldest daughters as “stupid, needy attention whores,” according to a family insider.
The explosive confrontation started during an argument about the future of their daughters Kendall, 17, and Kylie, 16, say sources.
“Bruce had opposed Kendall and Kylie dropping out of high school last year to be home-schooled, but Kris insisted on it,” revealed an insider. “Bruce wanted them to go to college, but Kris called it a waste of time since they have so many business opportunities.”
Then Kris made a tasteless crack about 32-year-old Kim’s infamous sex tape with Ray J that helped propel her and the family to reality stardom.
“Kris said she could make $5 million overnight if she got Kendall and Kylie to film sex tapes,” said the insider. “Kris was only joking but Bruce blew his stack.
“He pointed his finger in her face and accused her of selling out her daughters to fund her own expensive tastes.”

I know this is The National Enquirer, but if there’s one thing I believe more than anything else in this world, it’s that Kris Jenner absolutely sits around thinking of ways to get Kendall and Kylie into their own sex tapes. She probably invites boys over and leaves for weeks after setting up nanny cams. “Now, listen, I won’t be back for at least 14 days, so there’s no possible way I might walk in the door at any given moment. In fact, I’ll call you as soon as I land at the airport and let you know how far I am from the house. Oh, and there’s some liquor in the fridge. You kids have fun!”